I'm not the type to suffer in silence. My family, and my friends, know this all too well.
Believe it or not, though, I have held my tongue on occasion. Most of the time, it's been when I've seen loud and abusive behavior by coaches my daughters were playing against.
This behavior has almost reached epidemic proportions, in my opinion. Sportsmanship has been trumped by hockey coaches who feel obligated, even entitled, to insult the refs, their opponents and even their own players.
There's a YouTube clip from over the weekend, showing a coach physically assaulting a referee on the ice, midgame, at The Bog in Kingston, Mass. It's shocking.
The parents' response isn't much better, as a few parents rained expletives from the stands on the out-of-control coach, a former college player named Brian Pouliot of Auburn, N.H. (who was fired and, I hope, faces a USA Hockey lifetime ban and criminal assault charges). I sat watching the video, stunned not only at the attack, but at some of the Peewee players actually tapping their sticks. And I thought, “What are we teaching our kids?”
That brings me to an excellent piece in the Boston Globe in February 2019 by Bob Hohler titled “Iced out: Elite youth hockey coaches at Assabet Valley suspended after abuse complaints.” The article, based on accounts of players from the “elite” Assabet Valley girls program, details a litany of abusive behavior doled out by Assabet coaches Dennis Laing, Bill Horan and Horan's daughter, Kelly, a graduate of the program. (Full disclosure: I coached Laing's daughter Brianna during her prep school and college career, and she was one of my favorite goalies to work with.)
All three coaches were suspended by Mass Hockey. Hohler wrote Mass Hockey’s “discipline committee found that Laing created 'an atmosphere surrounding his team of fear, negativity, self-doubt and worthlessness, feelings of being defenseless, demoralized, discouraged, and demeaned, and it deteriorated over time.' Laing and his assistants 'spoke to 15- and 16-year-olds using language that would be offensive to most adults,' the panel concluded.”
Sadly, it wasn't much of a shock to me. I've seen bad behavior from Assabet coaches firsthand. Repeatedly. That said, I don't want to paint with too broad a brush, and I need to emphasize that many Assabet coaches were (and are) excellent mentors. But I also know what I saw with my own eyes and heard with my own ears, and it was not uncommon to hear Assabet coaches berating the refs (though nothing remotely close to the physical altercation mentioned earlier).
According to Hohler's piece, though, it appears some Assabet coaches were just as hard on their own players. Without going into great detail on the charges against Laing and the Horans (another link to the article is here), the Reader's Digest version is that all three ruled their teams with an iron fist. Oftentimes, that approach turned nasty, and featured derogatory speech and gestures.
Many players and parents defended the coaches, but Mass Hockey found the accusations credible. Laing, said Mass Hockey officials, engaged in “prolonged and sustained verbal abuse [that] caused severe emotional distress” for the several girls. He was suspended for two years (Laing is appealing that ruling to USA Hockey).
Bill Horan also was suspended for two years, and did not appeal. Kelly received a five-month suspension, ending this month. Neither appealed those rulings.
Hohler wrote, “The discipline committee found that Laing failed to control the Horans, especially Bill, who allegedly made many offensive remarks. The panel quoted Bill Horan as repeatedly disparaging the young skaters, partly by referring to them as SPED, or special education, players and their private schools as 'SPED schools.' Horan's comments especially hurt players whose siblings cope with learning challenges, Mass Hockey stated. One girl wrote, 'I am not putting up with these abusive coaches anymore, for myself and for my teammates, who have also repeatedly been personally attacked for their intelligence, including being called ‘retards’ many times.’ ”
The committee, wrote Hohler, ordered all three to complete a Positive Coaching Alliance program (Kelly Horan has completed the course). Kelly Horan also must serve a year of probation after her suspension. Laing and Bill Horan were ordered to serve two years of probation.
It was, in my estimation, a fair judgment. But I'm far more concerned with the young women of Assabet than I am about Laing or the Horans. There is a world of difference between being “tough” and being “abusive.” If you don't know that difference, you shouldn't be coaching. In fact, abusive behavior reveals a basic weakness on the coach's part. It shows that the coach has lost a measure of control.
Psychologist Adam Naylor of Massachusetts works for a number of athletic programs, advising coaches at almost every level along the developmental spectrum. He is a parent and an educator, someone I respect a great deal. Naylor suggests that coaches are no different than teachers — people we entrust to prepare our children “to strive and thrive in a chaotic and competitive world.”
“It seems reasonable that coaches should be held to the same standards of behavior that public and private school teachers are expected to fulfill,” wrote Naylor is his article for Psychology Today titled “Benched With Fear and Confusion.” “Perhaps parental intimidation from coaches occurs because not everyone can skate, jump, swim, hit, or game plan terribly well.
“Yet just because many of us can read, write, and do arithmetic does not mean that school teachers should be viewed as any less special than an athletic coach,” he said. “If you would not tolerate the treatment your child is receiving from their middle school teacher, it should also be unacceptable from their coach.”
Now, like pressure, some kids respond to abusive behavior. They work harder, play harder and win more often. It's often a joyless victory, but winning is sometimes equated with “success.” There's just one problem with this formula — there aren't enough of these kids around to sustain a profitable program.
So what happens? Parents are duped into thinking that a “winning” program is a quality program, and enlist their most precious commodity — their children. And the kids who don't respond to abusive coaching eventually get spit out, or simply lose their love of the game. It's collateral damage of the worst kind.
Of course, there are coaches who are all too comfortable with this tradeoff. Some coaches put winning above everything else. I don't. It's the antithesis of sports, in my mind. After all, wins without good sportsmanship are hollow victories.
“Athletic excellence is exciting,” wrote Naylor. “Effort, passion, and commitment are required to achieve it. It does not require abuse.
“Even if it did, it does not seem worth the collateral damage levied on children and young adults,” he wrote. “On the developmental journey, the teaching of sport skills should be relinquished to coaches. The physical and emotional protection of one’s child should not.”
