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November
14, 2004
STATE OF THE GAMEParents Should Keep Themselves Outside
the Glass
By Lyle Phair | From 
Several months ago, I read an interesting newspaper
article on the college admissions process and how some schools had
found the need to make adjustments to the way that they handled
prospective students and their parents.
Apparently, in many instances, the parents were
so over-involved in the decision-making process that the schools
sometimes were having a hard time determining who was applying for
admission – the student or the parents.
Actually, the problem wasn’t quite that
extreme, but the schools were having trouble dealing with how involved
the parents were in the process. In fact, some of them were actually
scheduling separate campus tours (one for parents and one for students)
and discussion sessions with other students so the prospective students
could sit and talk candidly about college life, free of the eyes
and ears of their parents.
Unfortunately (and in some instances, maybe fortunately)
this is not a new phenomenon. Today’s parents are much more
involved in the lives of their children than their parents were
in their lives. And they’re involved in all aspects –
school, sports and other extracurricular activities as well.
To a certain degree, that involvement is a good
and necessary thing. The world has changed. Kids can no longer head
off to the neighborhood park for a few hours to play pickup football
or baseball (or to the other side of the subdivision for a marathon
ball hockey game) without their parents worrying. Parents can’t
always trust a certain teacher or coach to be alone with their child.
Parents have been almost forced to be more involved to ensure the
safety of their children.
Years ago, some parents never even watched their
children play sports. They relied on other parents in the neighborhood
or town to get their kids to and from the practices and games. Rightly
or wrongly, they were too busy, had more important things to do,
or didn’t feel the need to be that involved. I am sure there
are still some parents with the same mindset today, but there are
many more who are more involved than ever.
But how involved should they be, and at what point
do they cross over the line from enthusiastic, supportive parents
to meddlesome, manipulating maniacs?
There is no shortage of horror stories out there in all sports.
At the extreme end, there are the dads who threaten umpires/referees
or physically attack coaches (sometimes even their own kid’s
coach), or the glass-pounding hockey dads and moms who berate referees
(adults and kids alike) or taunt and boo opposing players like they
would their least favorite World Wrestling Federation combatant.
We have all seen these freaks. They are pretty easy to spot and
most try to avoid sitting near them.
Not as noticeable, but potentially just as disruptive,
are the parents who are much more discreet with their meddling.
These are the ones who have the stopwatch out, diligently tracking
their child’s ice time to compare with their teammates. Or
they’re furiously recording statistics like plus-minus, turnovers
or hits, and producing detailed spreadsheets so they can break it
all down and really pinpoint where exactly the weaknesses lie. Or
they are whispering in the corner about the “so-and-so kid”
who “is bringing everyone down” and is directly responsible
for any losses the team has. Or they’re grumbling over coffee
in the lobby with the other Don Cherry-Barry Melrose wannabees,
complaining that the coaches are in over their heads and that’s
why the team is failing.
Equally problematic, even though they have a more
positive approach to it all (at least they are trying to help in
what might be construed as a productive manner), are those who constantly
yell directions to the players on the ice like, “Get it out”
or “Get it in”.
First of all, the players may or may not be able
to hear the directions. Secondly, if they do happen to hear, by
the time they process the information and attempt to make that play
it probably won’t be the correct play to make anymore (assuming
that it might have been the right play in the first place). And
finally, and most importantly, if the players on the ice are constantly
listening and looking for cues from the coaches on their bench or
parents in the crowd before they do anything on the ice they will
never ever learn to do it on their own. After all, aren’t
they the ones who are playing the game?
It’s very easy to get caught up in the heat
of the competition (and much easier when it is in your own flesh
and blood competing). We all want our children to do well. That
is only natural. What is sometimes difficult for us is letting them
do well on their own, without our involvement, without us hovering
around clucking directions like a mother hen and her chicks.
A friend of mine has a daughter who competes in
equestrian competitions and he tells me that while the competition
is going on, the parents are not allowed to cheer or yell directions.
In fact the only place they can speak to their children during the
event is in the “neutral zone.” What a great idea! And
not just for the obvious safety reasons of not protecting the horses
from getting spooked or scared (not to mention the kids).
So how do you know when you have crossed over
that line from supportive spectator to impassioned participant?
The best indicator is when it becomes apparent that the games have
become more important to you than they do to your kid. If you are
much happier after a win, or much more upset after a loss than they
are, then you might want to think about taking a few steps back
– back outside the glass.
This article appears in the December issue
of New England Hockey Journal. Click
here to subscribe to the magazine.
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