January 25, 2012

Top 10: Reasons Tim Thomas really bailed on Obama

By Jesse Connolly

Author's note: All Top 10 blogs should be taken with a truckload of salt and solely viewed as sarcastic silliness. 

 Tim Thomas claims his decision to pass on the visit to the White House was driven by the government's shortcomings, but does he really think he can pull the wool over our eyes and fool us so easily?

Well don't count on me taking the bait. Here are my sneaking suspicions as to why Thomas really bailed on President Obama's invitation:

10. Hates theory that Obama was the first African
American U.S. President. Hello! David Palmer from
"24" beat him by like seven years!

 

9. Was all set to come down from his hotel room and
hop on the team bus… until he realized a Quantum Leap
marathon was on USA. (Who can blame him?)



8. Obsession with the War of 1812 left him paranoid
that the British might sail over and burn down the White
House again. Couldn’t afford to take that chance.

 

7.  Fully planned on going but lost track of time while
perusing tents for sale on Amazon.com for the next
Occupy Boston.

 

6. Spent the afternoon hiding from his bookie after
wagering every last cent on the Ravens in the AFC
Championship game.

 

5. Had to be at his other "job" that afternoon. What?
You didn't really think he sports the porn stache for
the hell of it, did you?



4.
 Thinks being on the front page of Sports Illustrated
is all well and good, but knew he had to do something
extreme to get on the cover of The Economist.

 

3. President’s hopes to tax the rich even more will
throw a wrench in his plan to ask for an $11 billion
dollar extension next summer.

 

2. Topped Dustin Penner’s bizarre breakfast fiasco that
morning, suffering from whiplash thanks to some
over-aggressive searching for marshmallows in his bowl
of Lucky Charms. C'mon, they're magically delicious.

 

1.  Made the fatal mistake of enlisting Tyler Seguin as
his designated alarm setter.