May 30, 2013

Top 10: Pittsburgh celebs to ban from Bruins playoff games

By Jesse Connolly

The NHL playoffs are an exciting time of year, but they're also an opportunity for pompous politicians to make stupid bets and, even worse, poor attempts at trolling. Cities like to play these petty games in an attempt to, oh I don't know, maybe rattle the opposition during a playoff series?

Montreal rebranded Boston Pizza temporarily during the 2011 postseason, making the switch to Montreal Pizza when the Bruins were facing the Habs. Now, with an Eastern Conference finals showdown between the Bruins and Penguins on tap (foreshadowing? pun intended?), the city of Pittsburgh has put a freeze on the sale of Sam Adams beer. The brand of beer, as you probably know, is made by the Boston Beer Company.

Will the city of Boston respond? They should. To the extreme. Pizza and beer? Pfft. That's small potatoes. I say we ban all celebrities from the Pittsburgh area from setting foot anywhere near TD Garden for the entirety of this series. 

Here are the Steel City natives atop my list:

10. JEFF GOLDBLUM (actor/lunatic)

Why: Because I have a knack for being seated next to strange people in the press box. Goldblum would probably snag a seat and wind up chewing my ear off or turning me into a fly.

9. TAMARA TUNIE (actress/Jack Bauer's wench of a boss for a few hours)

Why: It's nothing personal, but Tunie took on the role of one of the least liked characters in the history of 24, Alberta Green. Any enemy of Jack Bauer's is an enemy of mine.

8. LARRY LUCCHINO (sellout-streak faker)

Why: He'll probably find a way to make it a mandate that being credentialed for games at the Garden require proper identification and the purchase of a Fenway Park brick.

7. GEORGE A. ROMERO (filmmaker/Stan Fischler look-alike)

Why: The guy deserves props for being a trendsetter, but in reality he's been remaking the same three or four movies for about 35 years. He's the Hollywood equivalent of Nickelback... if Nickelback was ever really, really awesome once.

6. JAY MARIOTTI (stalker)

Why: Because he probably spent a combined, oh, 85 seconds talking about hockey during his years in the national spotlight on Around the Horn

5. MICHAEL KEATON (former famous person)

Why: Maybe they haven't aged so well, but the first two installments of Batman were pretty awesome. However, I can never forgive Keaton for costing me, like, $7 on the pile of dog mess that was White Noise. What a horribly awful film.

4. DEMI MOORE (cougar)

Why: Because we all know she'd wind up wooing, marrying then derailing the career of one of the Bruins' young stars. (As if Tyler Seguin isn't distracted enough already, right?)

3. CHRISTINA AGUILERA (singer/talent judge/anthem ruiner/genie in a bottle)

Why: Call me crazy, but I like when the national anthem is performed as though there aren't 29 alternating capital and lower-case A's in the word stars, or O's in the word proof, and so on and so forth. It's also cool if it takes less than what feels like seven minutes to sing from start to finish.

2. WIZ KHALIFA (rapper/"audio porn" star at TD Garden)

Why: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and ... oh, right, they're the Black and Gold. Oops!

1. PERRY COMO (legendary singer/TV personality)

Why: Because he's dead. If Perry Como's walking around TD Garden, we've got bigger problems than worrying about who's gonna win a hockey game.

Twitter: @JesseNEHJ