July 6, 2012

Top 10: 'Significant' things the Bruins likely offered Parise

By Jesse Connolly

So word on the street, from credible outlets, is that Zach Parise received a ‘significant offer’ from the Boston Bruins. Yes, those same B’s that have $277,000 in cap space and a boatload of key players to sign next summer. 

NHL rules allow teams to go 10 percent over the cap during the summer. Couple that with the fact that the Bruins have multiple ways to make some wiggle room (putting Marc Savard’s $4 mil on LTIR, dealing away Tim Thomas’ $5 million hit), and maybe Peter Chiarelli really did kick the tires on the most sought-after free agent this offseason.

But then again, let’s say Parise inked a deal with Boston that was similar to the one he got with the Wild.

That’d put the Bruins up to $50 million for cap space committed to the 2013-14 season, leaving Chiarelli approximately $20 million (depending on where the cap goes) to sign – if he so desires – Milan Lucic, Nathan Horton, Tyler Seguin, Brad Marchand, Jordan Caron, Andrew Ference, Tuukka Rask and Anton Khudobin.

Sounds unrealistic, doesn’t it?

So without further ado, I’ll now speculate on what ‘significant’ things Chiarelli likely offered Parise in hopes of luring him to Boston (other than a salary that he and his agent found funnier than ‘Slap Shot,’ ‘Caddyshack’ and ‘The Hangover’ combined):

10. A lifetime pass to New England’s largest water park, Water Country, which includes the right to cut anyone in line for Geronimo whenever he so chooses.

9. “Do you like to yoyo? You should see the Spoked-B spin when this bad boy’s in action!”

8. Tim Thomas’ abandoned house. Free of charge!

7. “Ever had a concussion before? Nothing to worry about! We’ve dealt with, like, a hundred of them in the last five years!”

6. An exclusive invite to Cam Neely’s circle on Google Plus.

5. A promise that the Bruins’ locker room playlist will only feature bands from Minnesota, in hopes of making him feel more at home. Anyone who complains about Semisonic or Soul Asylum will be made a healthy scratch.

4. “We can assure you the media will stay out of your private life… unless you tell them you’re voting Republican … or get in an argument outside of a bar and throw your girlfriend’s shoes at her.”

3. A guarantee in writing that Mayor Menino will never refer to him as ‘Parcheesi’ or talk about that time he split the uprights.

2. Free rides home from every practice and game, courtesy of Andrew Ference and his bicycle.

1. “Larger than life? Made of solid gold? You’ve got yourself a deal, Zach. I think everyone’s tired of that Bobby Orr statue, anyways.”

Jesse Connolly can be reached at jconnolly@hockeyjournal.com. Follow him on Twitter at @JesseNEHJ.