Something tells me that, by now, you’ve already learned of the NHL’s decision to cancel all games scheduled in November.
This news undoubtedly stings, rattles your soul and has left you wondering how the hell you’re going to spend most of the nights throughout the 11th month of the calendar year.
Here are some ways you can keep busy during the 13 days and nights the Bruins were scheduled to play:
Thursday, Nov. 1 @ Toronto Maple Leafs
There’s probably no better time to get cracking on raking your leaves. So go on, drag the dog out there with you and take care of business. It takes a minimal amount of effort to accomplish, much like beating the Maple Leafs.
Friday, Nov. 2 @ Washington Capitals
As one of the game’s biggest stars, the NHL wanted Alex Ovechkin at its annual awards show in June, even if they knew he wouldn’t win anything. Knowing he’d generate as much laughter as an MC at a thermodynamics convention, the NHL made sure former host Jay Mohr was nowhere near Las Vegas the night they honored their top performers. If you believe his comedic talents are better suited for a different setting (or just want to go heckle him), he’ll be performing at the Wilbur Theatre Nov. 2.
Tuesday, Nov. 6 vs. Minnesota Wild
Alright, so it’s kind of a bummer you don’t get to see Minnesota’s $98 million dollar men, Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, but the good news is they’re locked up for the next 13 years. Take your newfound free time to vote on who will be spending the next four years in the White House.
Thursday, Nov. 8 @ Tampa Bay Lightning
There’s no truth to the fact that Guy Boucher and Jean-Claude Van Damme are in fact the same person, but there’s no denying that with their similar features and menacing stares, they bear a bit of a resemblance. With that said, get your fix of a Boucher lookalike and hockey simultaneously by hunting down “Sudden Death” on Netflix.
Saturday, Nov. 10 @ Florida Panthers
Let’s be honest, here: The Panthers are usually one game on the docket you can afford to miss, as the B’s have done a pretty solid job of taking care of business against them in recent years. Now that you don’t have to choose between abandoning watching the B’s take on Florida or doing other things, go get some tickets to see the latest James Bond flick, “Skyfall.”
Wednesday, Nov. 14 @ Ottawa Senators
This is supposed to be the part where I make a funny and somehow tie the Senators and Jessica Lange together. I got nothin’. Just watch “American Horror Story” on Wednesdays and I promise you won’t regret it.
Thursday, Nov. 15 vs. Colorado Avalanche
As if they possess some sort of Jedi powers, the Avalanche not only beat the Bruins pretty much every time they meet, they also leave you with absolutely no memory of anything significant happening the whole freakin’ game. Am I right, or am I right? You’d probably be best just putting on the Celtics that night. Sure, they might lose to the Spurs, but Paul Pierce and his over-exaggerated faces of agony will be more exciting than anything that’s ever happened against Colorado in the last decade.
Saturday, Nov. 17 vs. Winnipeg Jets
Just because there’s no hockey doesn’t mean you still can’t dust off the same jokes you used last season. If I were you, I’d dedicate this entire day to ranting on Twitter about everything in your life that sucks … and pinning all of the blame on Blake Wheeler. #BlakeWheelersFault
Wednesday, Nov. 21 @ New York Islanders
Death. Taxes. Comfortable wins over the Islanders. Such is life for the Bruins, who have won by three or more goals in five of their last six games against New York. In honor of this trend, do something really mundane and predictable, like cleaning your ears.
Friday, Nov. 23 vs. New York Rangers
Ah, the annual post-Thanksgiving matinee, which calls for us all to rush out the door early and be forced to reheat our precious turkey dinners when we get home later that night. Well, not this year! Hang around, watch some football and enjoy that bird fresh out of the oven.
Saturday, Nov. 24 vs. Pittsburgh Penguins
No Sid the Kid, no Geno Malkin? No fun. But I guess if you’re really bored, you should hop on YouTube and watch that video of Matt Cooke getting served a fist full of justice by Evander Kane from morning ‘til night. That should cheer you right up.
Tuesday, Nov. 27 vs. New Jersey Devils
If you think Marty Brodeur’s hung on for too long, you’re obviously not very familiar with the character Clay Morrow on "Sons of Anarchy," who is set on overcoming police investigations, arthritis, a bullet-damaged lung, a trouble-causing sort-of-ex-wife and a host of other hindrances in order to knock off his newly appointed stepson and regain his role as president of the eponymous biker club. In case you live in a bubble that’s nowhere near a TV set, it’s on FX if you want to check it out.
Thursday, Nov. 29 vs. Carolina Hurricanes
The Hurricanes? There are no good jokes about Carolina that don’t involve Joe Corvo, and I’d like to save a few if there’s ever NHL hockey again. So, my advice to you is this: Take your time and write a well-crafted letter to the offices of Donald Fehr and/or Gary Bettman. You’ve lost 22 games to this nauseating charade so far, and you’ve had enough. Unfortunately they won’t give a crap what you, Uncle Larry or Joe the Plumber have to say, but damn will it feel therapeutic.