June 22, 2012

Sources say: Bobby Ryan, Rick Nash both coming to Boston

By Jesse Connolly

Note: The following is sarcastic nonsense.

Welcome to draft day, folks. Is everyone ready for a fun day where people throw as many piles of turd against the wall as their arms will allow them to in hopes that something will stick? 

When asked to confirm what he meant in saying that Rick Nash won't come to Boston for cheap, our source clarified by saying the Blue Jackets forward will likely fly first class. (Getty Images)

We here at New England Hockey Journal aren’t in the business of blowing smoke up your… you know. We simply tell it like it is, and would certainly never in a million years post anything that had a title that would automatically generate countless pageviews solely for the sake of patting ourselves on the back. That whiff of desperation you smell isn’t coming from our direction. In fact, we just doused ourselves in coconut-scented cologne to make sure of it.

Now let’s get down to business. Here’s what we’re hearing with the NHL Draft just hours away:

* NEHJ has confirmed through multiple sources that both Bobby Ryan and Rick Nash will be coming to Boston. We have to give credit where it’s due, so let’s all give a proper stick salute to the Boston Bruins themselves for first reporting this yesterday.

The rumors of the two superstar forwards coming to Boston were confirmed when the B’s released their 2012-13 schedule on Thursday, which features a visit by Ryan’s Ducks in October and one by Nash’s Blue Jackets in April. Even if one or both of them end up getting traded to a team that can actually afford them, there’s still a strong possibility they’ll end up in Boston regardless.

“If you play every team in your conference at least once, and then you’ve got like 20 games against the other conference, let’s see, carry the five, divide by…” a source said in a voicemail before inaudibly mumbling to himself. “I’m no math major, but I’d say there’s a 79.3 percent chance those guys end up visiting TD Garden at some point or another. Hell, maybe if they have time and aren’t afraid of elephants, they could come check out the circus there.”

* New England Hockey Journal has learned from sources entrenched in the Pittsburgh Penguins’ organization that Jordan Staal is a bonehead.

“I mean, 10 years, 60 million bucks and the guy turned it down. Can you freakin’ believe that?” our insider said. “I don’t have a copy of Staal’s high school transcript, assuming he wasn’t home-schooled alongside however many look-alike brothers and sisters he has or something, but I can say with certainty that he’s certifiably tonto en la cabeza. Sorry for mixing some Spanish in there. I’m giving Rosetta Stone a try.”

* In our final tidbit, NEHJ received a call in the wee hours of the morning from a trusted insider who believes he can confirm who the Bruins will select with the 24th pick in the first round.

“Malcolm Subban. It’ll definitely be Malcolm Subban,” he said in a hushed tone. “I’m sorry, man, but I’ve gotta whisper or I’ll wake my mom up. I ran through the draft on NHL ’12 last week and picked him for Boston. I don’t even care if he’s good or not. I just wanna see if I can start a fight with him and P.K. Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Dude, if I won the Cup with the Bruins in NHL '11, and then they really won the Cup in like real life, this could totally happen! Oh, great. She’s awake now. I gotta go. Go back to bed, ma! Just mind your business. How am I supposed to figure out how to loan Joe Corvo to Italy if you keep yapping?!”

Jesse Connolly can be reached at jconnolly@hockeyjournal.com. Follow him on Twitter at @JesseNEHJ.